I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Adam knew Eve his wife and she conceived. It is a pity that this is still the only knowledge of their wives at which some men seem to arrive.

She'd have you spew up what you've drunk when you were out.

The majority of persons choose their wives with as little prudence as they eat. They see a troll with nothing else to recommend her but a pair of thighs and choice hunkers, and so smart to void their seed that they marry her at once. They imagine they can live in marvelous contentment with handsome feet and ambrosial buttocks. Most men are accredited fools shortly after they leave the womb.

A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman.

If you want to know about a man you can find out an awful lot by looking at who he married.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.

Never take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

He knows little, who will tell his wife all he knows.

Such a wife as I want... must be young, handsome I lay most stress upon a good shape, sensible a little learning will do, well-bread, chaste, and tender. As to religion, a moderate stock will satisfy me. She must believe in God and hate a saint.

In that second it dawned on me that I had been living here for eight years with a strange man and had borne him three children.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Those graceful acts, those thousand decencies, that daily flow from all her words and actions, mixed with love and sweet compliance, which declare unfeigned union of mind, or in us both one soul.

A pretty wife is something for the fastidious vanity of a roué to retire upon.

A good wife and health is a mans best wealth.

No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.

The philosophy of the common man is an old wife that gives him no pleasure, yet he cannot live without her, and resents any aspersions that strangers may cast on her character.

I'm sorry to say my dear wife is a dreamer, and as she dreams she gets paler and leaner. Then be off to your Dream, with his fly-away hat, I stay with the girls who are happy and fat.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I think of a merry, happy, free young girl -- and look at the ailing, aching state a young wife generally is doomed to -- which you can't deny is the penalty of marriage.