Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her.

Bachelor

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Conscience

What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.

Home

"Home" is any four walls that enclose the right person.

Lies and Lying

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

Marriage

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.

Men and Women

Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.

Persuasion

Call the bald man, "Boy;" make the sage thy toy; greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.

Trust

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Wives

No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a "Master of Arts" and a "Doctor of Philosophy" after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.