Cyber Nation - Humorous Quotes To Give You A Great Laugh!

Here Are The Humorous Quotations To Crack You Up!

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Acting

My dear boy, forget about the motivation. Just say the lines and don't trip over the furniture.

~ Noel Coward ~

Adversity

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Advice

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

~ Paul Dickson ~

One of the most important things to remember about infant care is never change diapers in midstream.

~ Don Marquis ~

Always do right! This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain ~

Put all your eggs in one basket, and watch that basket.

~ Mark Twain ~

Age

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
Odd things animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down to you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal.

~ Alben W. Barkley (U.S. Vice President) ~

America

America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America".

~ Mike Harding ~

Answer

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

~ Mark Twain ~

Attitude

A narrow mind and a fat head invariably come on the same person.

~ Zig Ziglar ~

Audience

The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

~ Alben W. Barkley (U.S. Vice President) ~

Banks

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

~ Robert Frost ~

Birth

Having a baby is like taking your lower lips and forcing it over your head.

~ Carol Burnett ~

Choice

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

~ Charles Schultz ~

Claims

He reminds me of the man who murdered both his parents, and then, when sentence was about to be pronounced pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Conscience

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.

~ H. L. Mencken ~

Crisis

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

~ Henry Kissinger ~

Death

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

~ Woody Allen ~

Doubt

When in doubt, tell the truth.

~ Mark Twain ~

Experience

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.

~ Vernon Law ~

God

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

~ Woody Allen ~

Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

~ Lily Tomlin ~

Government

The government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.

~ James Reston ~

Greeting

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

~ Dolph Sharp ~

Inheritance

Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.

~ Dolph Sharp ~

Job

A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.

~ Zig Ziglar ~

Laughter

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

~ Mark Twain ~

Anything aweful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral.

~ Charles Lamb ~

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

~ P.G. Wodehouse ~

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it it is by far

~ Oscar Wilde ~

Life

Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave.

~ Quentin Crisp ~

Like

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Memory

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

~ Mark Twain ~

Miracle

Everything is miraculous. It is miraculous that one does not melt in ones' bath.

~ Pablo Picasso ~

Possibility

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

~ Woody Allen ~

Preparedness

There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared and that is twins.

~ Josh Billings ~

Promptness

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

~ Marilyn Monroe ~

Public Speaking

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I do strongly object when they start shaking them to make sure they are still going.

~ Lord Birkett ~

Question

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

~ Mark Twain ~

Rat Race

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you are still a rat.

~ Lily Tomlin ~

Self-Love

There's no one... no one, loves you like yourself.

~ Brendan Behan ~

Sermons

When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Success

Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

~ Winston Churchill ~

Teaching

Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach.

~ H. L. Mencken ~

Telephone

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

~ Fran Leibowitz ~

University Education

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

~ George Bernard Shaw ~

Vegetable

Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.

~ Mark Twain ~

Wife

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you'll never end up with a nag.

~ Zig Ziglar ~

Work

I like work: it fascinates me, I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me; the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.

~ Jerome K. Jerome ~

World

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

~ Mark Twain ~

New humorous quotes are being added to this list on a regular basis, so please be sure to check back here often and continue to laugh your way to the top.

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